Redux Beverages LLC, the Las Vegas-based developers of the failed energy drink Cocaine, have released an alcoholic creatine drink. The beverage, dubbed BlowOut, is expected to hit the shelves at select stores and nightclubs in New York City, the Jersey shore and western Long Island the first week of July.
In the wake of an uphill legal battle against the U.S. Food and Drug Administration to market Cocaine as "Speed in a Can," "Liquid Crank," and "Cocaine - Instant Rush," Redux has declined to comment on the marketing strategy for BlowOut, however Tynan Trainor, the chief marketing analyst at General Nutrition Incorporated (GNC), the nation's leading distributor of non-alcoholic creatine formulas such as Creakic, Anabolic Switch, and Maximum Human Performance Trac, believes Redux has found a niche in a profitable market.
"Some of these guys are already drinking this stuff for breakfast, lunch, and dinner-- why not feed it to them all night long?" Said Trainor by phone. "The wise guys pumping iron all day are the bridge and tunnel crowd pumping their fists all night. They want to take their shirts off, they want muscles, they want to drink, so put the two together and blow it out. Blow out, it's genius."
BlowOut passed F.D.A. inspection in May of 2007, much to the dismay of U.S. Government officials who had successfully banned Cocaine Energy Drink just weeks before on the grounds that the name of the drink alone promoted the use of illegal narcotics.
"Whoever is responsible for thinking this stuff up should burn in hell, but unfortunately this is America, and if creatine is legal and alcohol is legal and mixing the two together results in no negative side effects outside of those resulting from their individual use, than we really can't do anything about it, no matter how frustrating it might be to see these idiots actually buying this stuff." Said James McPeak, one of the ten F.D.A. inspectors who gave BlowOut the go ahead.
Anthony Scatuccio, a twenty three year old from New Jersey who goes by the nickname "Dancin' Shoes," might be one of "those idiots." Scattucio, who we found sprawled on the sidewalk with his Diesel's in the gutter outside a club in the meatpacking district, is an avid weight lifter and a regular at New York City mega clubs such as CroBar and Pacha. He looks forward to ordering a BlowOut this upcoming weekend.
"I love taking my shirt off out on the dance floor. It feels good to get pumped up and let all the women see how much weight I can lift. Sometimes I even do a few sets before I head out, so my chest is just exploding. If it'll make me stronger and get me crunked, I'm going to drink it. Done-zo." Said Scattucio before heading uptown to catch a PATH train home.
1 comment:
My brother would probably like to get a hold of this stuff.
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