Police Officer gets baked on confiscated goods

Grundlecrank would like to thank the beautiful young lady who sent us this one...

New Film of the Week: Miss Universe loses her dress

This is how you win a beauty contest...check out Grundlecrank's latest video pick.

Checkers has been solved, once and for all

After sorting through 500 billion, billion possible moves, computer scientists have created a computer program that will never lose a game of checkers. But human players need not despair: if a human plays perfectly against the computer, the game will end in a draw.

Click here to listen to the entire story.

Grundlecrank raises its glass to American beer month

As an homage to American beer month, Grundlecrank would like to raise its glass to the unsung hero of American brewing-- the good ol'American forty ounce. Pick one of these bad boys up just about anywhere and for $2.25 "it works every time!" Amen, Billy Dee Williams.

Find the poll on the right sidebar of the website and vote for your forty ounce of choice. The poll closes at 11:59pm on July 30th.

A 53 year-old Tampa Bay resident thinks he's Peter Pan

Next time you're feeling saucy, set a photo from the fashion pages of Randy Constan's website, http://pixyland.org/peterpan/, as you're friend's background-- it'll be a real shocker. Constan, a 53 year-old Tampa Bay resident, is a super creepo. You wouldn't mind hiring Michael Jackson to watch your kids after seeing this guy. Be sure to check him out in his Lord Fauntleroy outfit.

Become a cog in the machine: E-mail Grundlecrank with the latest

Starting today, friends and foes of the crank can e-mail their pictures, stories, worthwhile information, and useless factoids to grundlecrank@gmail.com. Any news or visual media deemed appropriate-- from the extraordinarily interesting to the absurdly funny-- will make its way onto the site. We're looking forward to hearing from you.

Hot off the crank: Holy rollers flock to Meadville, Penn.

God shat on a friend of a friend today. Alex Habay, an Allegheny College junior and future housemate of a Grundlecrank insider, would have been struck dead had his car trunk not gobbled up a stray, 1500 lb. wrecking ball like a Pac-man in reverse.

Click to read more.

Man floats 193 miles using lawn chair, LSD

Bend, Ore. - Kent Couch settled into his lawn chair last weekend with some snacks - and a parachute. Attached to his lawn chair were 105 helium balloons.

Destination: no where.

With instruments to measure his altitude and speed, a global positioning system device in his pocket, four tabs of acid and about four plastic bags holding five gallons of water each to act as ballast — he could turn a spigot, release water and rise — Couch headed into the Oregon sky.

“When you’re laying in the grass on a summer day, and you see the clouds, you wish you could jump on them,” he said. “This is as close as you can come to jumping on them. It’s just like that.”

Couch is the latest American to emulate Larry Walters — who in 1982 rose three miles above Los Angeles in a lawn chair lifted by balloons. Walters had surprised an airline pilot, who radioed the control tower that he had just passed a guy in a lawn chair. Walters paid a $1,500 penalty for violating air traffic rules.

It was Couch’s second flight.

In September, he got off the ground for six hours. Like Walters, he used a BB gun to pop the balloons, but he went into a rapid descent and eventually parachuted to safety.

This time, he was better prepared. The balloons had a new configuration, so it was easier to reach up and release a bit of helium instead of simply cutting off a balloon.

He took off at 6:06 a.m. Saturday after kissing his hippy wife, Susan, goodbye and petting his Chihuahua, Isabella. As he made about 25 miles an hour, a three-car caravan of VW micro buses filled with friends, family and the dog followed him from below.

Couch said he could hear cattle and children, and he said he even passed through clouds.

“It was beautiful — beautiful,” he told KTVZ-TV. He described the flight as mostly peaceful and serene, with occasional turbulence, like a hot-air balloon ride sitting down.

Couch decided to stop when he was down to a gallon of water and just eight pounds of ballast. Concerned about the rugged terrain outside La Grande, including Hells Canyon, he decided it was time to land.

He popped enough balloons to set the craft down, although he suffered rope burns. But after he jumped out, the wind grabbed his chair, with his video recorder, and the remaining balloons and swept them away. He’s hoping to get them back.

"Before birds choke on them and die."

Click hear for the true story.

German man finds man to eat via internet ad

Armin Meiwes, a German computer technician, ate 43 year-old Bernd Juergen Brandes after finding Brandes a willing partner for a consensual double homicide via the internet-- now he's writing a cook book to deter others from following in his footsteps. Meiwes apparently flambeed Brandes' penis before killing him and eating the remainders of his body. The title of the first chapter? "Get back to the basics: stick with Bananas Foster."

Chris Benoit takes off for a "family emergency"

Apparently Chris Benoit took the day off on Saturday for a "family emergency" before killing his two kids, his wife, and himself.

Try a Benny to break the ice

According to UrbanDictionary.com, a "benny" is an acronym used to describe "a tourist who visits the Jersey shore from Bayonne, Elizabeth, Newark, or New York" who can easily be spotted on the beach because of the following characteristics:

Men: New York Yankees cutoff t-shirt, backwards Yankees cap, tweezed eyebrows, polished fingernails, boombox cranked all the way up, cooler, large gold jewlery, Adidas's flipflops

Women: Big and long hair with obnoxious Gucci shades and other cranium accessories, polished French manicure with matching pedicure, animal print handbag, platform flipflops

Last night however, Grundlecrank stumbled upon a new definition for the term. "A Benny," it so happens, is also an unorthodox way for a plastered college student to become the life of the party.

How to do a Benny:
1. Prepare to do a tequila shot with your friends, preferably in the center of the party.
2. When you're about to take the shot in unison, snort the salt up your nose.
3. Drink the shot.
4. Squeeze the juice of the lime wedge into your eye.
5. And roar like Quinton "Rampage" Jackson after he beat former Ultimate Fighting Champion Chuck "The Iceman" Liddell.

You'll be the life of the party.

Redux Beverages LLC releases alcoholic creatine drink

Redux Beverages LLC, the Las Vegas-based developers of the failed energy drink Cocaine, have released an alcoholic creatine drink. The beverage, dubbed BlowOut, is expected to hit the shelves at select stores and nightclubs in New York City, the Jersey shore and western Long Island the first week of July.

In the wake of an uphill legal battle against the U.S. Food and Drug Administration to market Cocaine as "Speed in a Can," "Liquid Crank," and "Cocaine - Instant Rush," Redux has declined to comment on the marketing strategy for BlowOut, however Tynan Trainor, the chief marketing analyst at General Nutrition Incorporated (GNC), the nation's leading distributor of non-alcoholic creatine formulas such as Creakic, Anabolic Switch, and Maximum Human Performance Trac, believes Redux has found a niche in a profitable market.

"Some of these guys are already drinking this stuff for breakfast, lunch, and dinner-- why not feed it to them all night long?" Said Trainor by phone. "The wise guys pumping iron all day are the bridge and tunnel crowd pumping their fists all night. They want to take their shirts off, they want muscles, they want to drink, so put the two together and blow it out. Blow out, it's genius."

BlowOut passed F.D.A. inspection in May of 2007, much to the dismay of U.S. Government officials who had successfully banned Cocaine Energy Drink just weeks before on the grounds that the name of the drink alone promoted the use of illegal narcotics.

"Whoever is responsible for thinking this stuff up should burn in hell, but unfortunately this is America, and if creatine is legal and alcohol is legal and mixing the two together results in no negative side effects outside of those resulting from their individual use, than we really can't do anything about it, no matter how frustrating it might be to see these idiots actually buying this stuff." Said James McPeak, one of the ten F.D.A. inspectors who gave BlowOut the go ahead.

Anthony Scatuccio, a twenty three year old from New Jersey who goes by the nickname "Dancin' Shoes," might be one of "those idiots." Scattucio, who we found sprawled on the sidewalk with his Diesel's in the gutter outside a club in the meatpacking district, is an avid weight lifter and a regular at New York City mega clubs such as CroBar and Pacha. He looks forward to ordering a BlowOut this upcoming weekend.

"I love taking my shirt off out on the dance floor. It feels good to get pumped up and let all the women see how much weight I can lift. Sometimes I even do a few sets before I head out, so my chest is just exploding. If it'll make me stronger and get me crunked, I'm going to drink it. Done-zo." Said Scattucio before heading uptown to catch a PATH train home.